When Things Don’t Go as Planned

I do not like change.

Anyone who has ever spent a day or two with me has probably noticed that I love order, organization, and routine. Though my life for the last decade has been extremely chaotic when examined from the outside, I knew what I was doing every step of the way. Every year looked the same (well, similar), every season I knew what to expect, and every event followed the same plan.

And that was how I liked it. I liked controlling the chaos. I liked dissecting the Gordian Knot that was our booth set up. I liked being a boss ass bitch.

My home life and hobbies followed a similar kind of order. When I wasn’t on the road or in the office I’d make a plan for the day and stick with it. Even if I was just on my own, just going to Lenox to get my favorite sandwich at Loeb’s Food Town (don’t knock it until you try the Leslie B), just going to see a movie by myself, just reading a book on the porch with a giant mug of tea, I abhorred interruption or changes. I struggled equally when I made plans with others only to have them changed. Needless to say, this is not my best quality, and I probably annoy the crap out of a lot if not all of my friends.

Now, I have no plan. This is so not me. Every day is a bit of a question mark. Of course, I’m applying for jobs, researching, working on my book, and spending time with/helping my parents. That said, the structure is flimsy and tenuous at best.

My goal has been to do *something* every day. Basically, this is to keep me from sleeping for 24 hours straight (only to stay up for the following 24 hours). It’s also to help me hold onto my sanity just a little bit. Too much freedom can be paralyzing, and drives me to indecisiveness.

The big question is, what do I do when the little plans I have change?

I have been working hard to “roll with it.” Despite my rigidity I’ve always been adaptable, able to make a Plan B moments after Plan A falls through. The problem is, I don’t know how to adapt when the only thing I have is the nascent beginnings of Plan A. I’m trying to enjoy myself, trying not to twitch when the weather doesn’t cooperate or one of my folks needs my help, but it’s challenging. It’s another change, and, as we all now know, I do not like change.

I guess I’m just going to have to keep on trying. I’ll keep attempting to roll with it. I’ll keep adapting and changing, even if I grumble the entire time.