In the Dust

I have fallen off the wagon.

I know that term has a lot of baggage with it, so let me unpack it for you.

I’ve said it before, but for those who haven’t read a few of my previous missives I have an eating disorder. I know, you’d never know it to look at me (because I am fat, get it? Haha…I say it so you don’t have to - middle school defense). I am not bulimic, I don’t purge, I just binge. I think I’ve actually had this problem my entire life. I honestly cannot remember a time when my relationship with food was “normal.”

The thing is, I never realized I had this weird relationship with food. I sort of assumed everyone treated food the way I do; as a comfort, a security blanket, a punishment, a relief, an escape, a meditation, a slap to the face and a gentle caress all rolled into one. Apparently, not everyone feels that food is both their best friend and their worst enemy. Most people can just enjoy a meal and move on with their lives. They don’t swing wildly from fixating on every morsel they put into their bodies and mindlessly shoving food, any food (chips, cookies, mayonnaise, cocoa packets, sushi, etc…), into their faces. This is something I literally figured out last night.

I accepted the fact that I have an eating disorder around a year ago when I was coming out of a long period of pretty extreme physical illness (that is a story for another day). At that time, when I was learning how to eat properly again (as I hadn’t been able to eat much of anything for about eight months), I thought of my eating disorder as past tense. I had an eating disorder, I didn’t have one. That distinction was important to me. I was already in recovery and I wasn’t going back. I’d slip up every now and then but I was aware of my patterns. I could spot them and stop them before they got out of control.

Anyone who has every struggled with addiction or disordered eating knows what’s coming next.

Last night I found myself eating a piece of pizza with tears streaming down my face. My brain was screaming at me that I’m a piece of shit, utter human garbage, and every bite I took confirmed that statement. The part of my brain that remains rational even in the most difficult times tried to puzzle through why I was beating myself up for eating and apparently that was a step too far.

I went back over the last month of my life. I saw every moment where I snuck food, every lunch I skipped in favor of eating jellybeans and chips from my office. Every time I made the excuse of wanting a diet coke in order to buy a bag of chips and some sort of candy at the convenience store. Every jar of Nutella consumed in one sitting. Every jar of Nutella consumed at midnight when no one can see me. The last straw was the memory of driving back from the grocery store about a week ago and consuming a family sized bag of Cheetos in the 15 minutes from the store to my apartment. When that memory flickered through my brain I broke.

I realized that I wasn’t just cheating or slipping, I had…have…fully fallen of the wagon.

I’ve lost control of my behavior, I’ve fallen back into all my old patterns, I’m bingeing again.

I didn’t have an eating disorder once upon a time. I have an eating disorder right now and forever.

And then I cried for about 3 hours while my dear friend/housemate and I watched fireworks from our porch (which was amazing by the way, best fireworks ever). I have no idea how he powered through that level of my crazy, but I am incredibly grateful for him. I have only felt that crazy and out of control once before in my life. I’m terrified to feel that way again.

Today I tried to get back on the wagon. I wasn’t perfect (and the day is still not over), but I did OK. Only a little bingeing and I was very aware that I was doing it when I did it. I tried not to chastise myself, but it’s hard not to hit myself over the head with every failure. I guess the point is I’m going to keep trying to get back on the wagon, but it feels like the wagon is covered in barbed wire and the horses are already galloping down the road. They’ve left me in the dust and I’m struggling to catch up.