Kismet

Believe it or not, I try very hard to be an evidence based, concrete facts only type of person.

For anyone who has met me (and is currently chuckling at that statement) I realize that’s rather hard to believe, but it’s true. I want proof of everything; scientific, documented, methodical, substantiated proof, or I can’t fully commit myself to believing in it. Except that that’s not the truth at all. I’d just really like to be one of those people who requires absolute proof of everything, but I never seem to be able to follow through. The fantastic and impossible seems to keep getting in my way.

Since I was but a wee lass various strange and inexplicable things have happened to me that, ultimately, have forced me to acknowledge that there some very real things that just cannot be explained. And believe me when I say I wish I could tell you how or why these things have happened to me, but, sadly, I can’t. I have to conclude, much as I hate it, that there are things in this world that we can’t explain yet, and the fact that we can’t explain them doesn’t make them any less real.

My entire life I have never lived more than mile from a graveyard. I’ve never feared them, never felt creeped out by them, never needed to put distance between myself and death. They were places I played, explored, and imagined; they still are. The first time I can remember encountering a spirit I was in 8th grade. For some reason I had become obsessed towards the end of 7th grade with the idea of seances and communicating with the dead. What’s really strange is that I’m still not entirely sure there is an afterlife, but that’s beyond the point. The point is that, at some point in the early spring of 1999 I had my first encounter with a spirit. I can go into the details, tell you the whole story, and maybe at some point I will, but for today what I want to share is this: I heard this spirit (who I have dubbed Sophie for a number of reasons), I saw her, and, in a way that I can’t fully explain, I communicated with her. Actually, can’t really explain any of this. And I realize I sound bonkers. The only way I know that I’m not fully nuts is that this was simply the first time I encountered a spirit. It’s happened multiple times in the nearly 20 years since then. (Incidentally, I know manage the 3 city run cemeteries in the city where I currently live…how’s that for kismet)

Ghosts or spirits or specters or whatever you want to call them aren’t the only strange things I’ve encountered since I was 14. I’ve met people with whom I’ve instantly connected (and I’m a person who doesn’t connect deeply with anyone all that easily). I know them in a way that I can’t explain. It feels like we’ve known each other for a thousand years when we only met five minutes ago. I can think of perhaps two people with whom this has happened, and, though it’s rare, those connections are deep and powerful. I can’t explain them. I struggle to behave appropriately and converse like a normal human with most people. Does this mean I knew these individuals in a past life? I hope so. I’d like to think we’ve had more time to spend with one another than just one lifetime. I’d like to think we might meet again on the next go-around. But I also don’t believe in reincarnation because, once again, we haven’t found a way to prove that it exists.

I have had moments of destiny, moments where it felt like I was the puppet of the universe. Everything around me came together to push me in a specific direction. These perfect moments of absolutely no doubt, where I knew I was on exactly the right path because I could watch all the pieces come together perfectly. It happened when I started my last job 13 years ago. It happened when I walked into my current apartment. It happened when my wee beasties, Oliver and Abby, picked me to be their mum. This feeling of kismet has followed me around even more than spirits have (and certainly more than fated friendships or cosmic connections). Out of nowhere I’ll have a sense that I’m heading in exactly the right (or wrong) direction. That confidence is remarkably comforting for someone who struggles with intense anxiety, let me tell you. That said, I can’t explain it and I don’t understand it, so in spite of the confidence that feeling of kismet gives me I often end up questioning it. I so often find myself thinking “if only I knew if I was doing the right thing,” and yet there are many times when I do, I just can’t accept it.

I’ve also watched kismet leap into the path of another person. I’ve watched friends meet their future spouses, and I’ve known that they were experiencing cosmic change. I’ve seen people discover their passions only to ignore them and return to work-a-day life while others fully embraced what the universe put in their way, and they were much happier for it. I knew when I first met one of those deep soul connections that I wouldn’t have him in my life for long. He passed away 9 years ago. Today would have been his 34th birthday. I sometimes wonder if he knew he didn’t have long in this life either.

I like facts, I like proof, I like to understand things. I want to approach the world analytically. I’ve also had things happen to me that I can’t explain. They were and still are real. I know that. And so, I keep looking for answers even though I keep coming up with more questions.