Revelations

This week has been replete with intense realizations. Let’s run them down, shall we?

1. I lost an animal friend not my own, a friend’s dog) and I am grieving for her.

2. A dear human friend is struggling tremendously and I’m terrified I’m going to lose her.

3. Someone I considered one of my closest friends has cut off contact with me and I don’t know why.

4. All of my many and sundry health problems may be caused by one overarching issue. In short, all the crap that’s wrong with me may not be entirely my fault…it may be genetic.

5. The fact that most techniques for handling anxiety and depression do not work for me may not be because my brain is irrevocably broken. It may be because my mental issues spawn from trauma in addition generalized anxiety and depression.

Anyone want greater detail? Good, I’m glad you’re all coming with me on this…

1. Losing an animal, one that you’ve loved since they were a baby, can hurt more than losing a human. Even when it’s not your animal. If you’ve known it and loved it, played with it and cared for it, you feel their loss acutely. It’s been a while since I last saw this pup, and I said my goodbyes then knowing it might be the last time I saw her. Knowing she’s not in pain and that she’s at peace is a comfort, but I still miss her dopey sweetness and her regal attitude. That said, it’s hard to explain to people that you’re crying because you miss a dog that wasn’t yours. It’s like grieving the death of a rock star or actor. They weren’t really part of your life, except that they were in it every day. It’s a strange, aching feeling and I’m not entirely sure what to do with it.

2. I can’t really go into details on this next one, but I will say this. I have dealt with a good amount of loss in my lifetime. I’ve dealt with family and friends being crushed and crippled by disease. I’ve gone through it with them, both up close and from a distance. It’s a special kind of pain to watch someone you love suffer. It’s a unique, terrible fear to know you could lose them but that you have absolutely no control over the outcome. The powerlessness of knowing there is nothing you can do is maddening. All I want to do is make it better, but I can’t. SIDE NOTE: Have you ever thought that Muppets are archetypes for various kinds of humans?Haven’t we all met a Miss Piggy or two in our time?In discussing this with a friend I have come to the conclusion that if I were a Muppet I would be Scooter.I just want to make everyone happy, be helpful, and insure that the show runs smoothly.This is one of the many reasons dealing with the illness of a loved one drives me round the twist.I can’t fix this.

3. This is not the first time someone has cut me off. To be fair, I don’t know for certain that an intentional break in contact is what has happened, but it seems like the most likely possibility. Anyway, many years ago I had a close friend who, one day, just stopped talking to me. She’d ignore my calls and messages, she’d turn around and walk the other way when she’d see me in public, and she’d flat out ignore me when we were spending time with the same mutual friends. This person had spent many years before the cut off convincing me that they were the only person in the world who liked me, that I was pathetic and awful but they still cared about me. I take responsibility for buying into this crap. I take responsibility for my part in this sick, twisted friendship. I have done my best to avoid situations like this going forward, and I am furious at myself that I seem to have fallen into the same trap again. That said, I’m not weak and pathetic this time. I know who I am and I’m better equipped mentally and emotionally to handle this. That doesn’t make it hurt any less or make me less confused about what I did wrong. The worst part is, the individual who has cut contact with me knows what my old friend did to me and how damaging it was, but they cut contact anyway. I feel hurt and lost and I don’t know what to do.

4. I saw a new chiropractor this week. I’ve had chiropractic care before, but it’s always been a bit more gentle and nervous-system based than the physiological crack your bones kind of chiro that I tried out on Friday. In the course of a half an hour consultation (before the bone cracking began), this doctor provided me with two pieces of information that blew my damn mind. The first is that I’m probably allergic to one of the medications I’m on and that’s why my nose is constantly stuffy and my ears are constantly itchy. After the appointment I called my primary and got the OK to go off the meds. I’m starting to feel better already. The second thing that this doc pointed out is a well-known fact to me.For someone my size I am shockingly flexible.I always have been.I had no idea why, but I kind of treated my flexibility as a neat party trick and left it at that.Apparently, my flexible body may be a result of a genetic disorder that causes the weakening of connective tissues in the body.What this means is that all medical issues that I beat myself up for (because being unhealthy is obviously a side effect of being fat) may not be my fault at all.Example:When the connective tissues between your veins and arteries are weak it means your heart has to pump harder to move blood through your body…causing high blood pressure.This would explain why, despite my 75lbs weight loss I still have high blood pressure (among other issues that may also be caused by weak connective tissues). This is an effing revelation if I’ve ever had one.Do you know what it’s like to hate yourself every day because your body is failing you and it’s all your fault?Do you know what it’s like to beat yourself up every time you go to a doctor because, no matter how hard you try, you’re just not getting better?And then to have someone say it may not be your lifestyle that’s failing you, that we might be able fix this?I almost burst into tears.And then the doctor cracked my back and pummeled my spine with a weird pokey device that felt both good and bad and I spent the rest of the day floating and feeling fabulous.

5. Just this morning I read this article: https://themighty.com/2018/06/anxiety-from-complex-trauma/ I’m not going to go into the details, but reading it was, again, a revelation for me. I’ve always felt like a failure in my mental health quest because practicing mindfulness has always made things worse for me. It’s the thing to do, right? Everyone who struggles with anxiety and depression knows that living mindfully is how you get better. Except apparently there’s a reason it doesn’t work for me. While I have run of the mill anxiety and depression I get the double dose of anxiety and depression related to trauma and abuse. Sometimes mindfulness and meditation work, but more often than not they end up making me feel worse, causing a panic attack or a spiral into misery/numbness. Now I know why. I’m going to need to speak to my therapist about this.

This has been a week in Holli Bushnell’s life. Tune in next week for when I talk about how you can never go home again.