Brave or Stupid

I am not a leaper.

I’m barely even a looker when it comes to my own existence. I’m basically a spectator, standing on the sidelines of life, cheering on my family, friends, and acquaintances as they race along, achieving goals and accomplishing things. I’m basically a side character in my own story. I’m not the leading lady, I’m the best friend, a subplot at best, more typically the comic relief.

This is not by design, but the unfortunate outcome of extreme introversion and a desire to ensure that literally everyone else in the world is happy before I even begin to think about my own (it’s been pretty stressful since that whole election thing a few years ago…haha). I’ve never felt comfortable pushing for things I want. I’ve never felt like I deserved to even ask for them, let alone try for them. I hardly let myself dream of them.

My world is a place of small pleasures; little, achievable, manageable things have become my largest fantasies. Or, at least, that’s what I try to do. You see, when I actually do let myself want something it becomes insidious. I’m never going to do anything about the things I want, so when I find myself actually wanting something it eats away at my soul until I go slightly unhinged. Or until I find something new to fixate on, whichever comes first.

Well, this week I leapt. I did look quite a bit first, but I leapt.

Everyone says it’s a brave thing to leap. Everyone seems to think that saying my peace, speaking up, being honest is courageous. This is supposed to be huge for me. It’s supposed to be the first step off the sidelines and into the game…race…party…whatever.

I don’t feel very brave. I feel very stupid.

I feel like I should have learned the lesson of neither leaping nor looking by now. I feel like I should have known better than to try. I should have known better than to want. Wanting ruins things. But I wanted and I couldn’t stop so I looked and looked and finally I leapt. And now I’m dealing with the consequences.

The bright side? For once, at least, I have absolutely no desire to eat.