Peanut Butter M&M Cookies

I didn’t write anything today.

I barely read a couple pages of a book while sitting in a dental office waiting room.

(OK, I did get my teeth cleaned which was a pretty big step in adulting)

I didn’t cook for myself, I didn’t get exercise, and I didn’t take care of all the little tasks around the house that I was supposed to.

My brain wants to call today a fail. Actually, it has already called today a fail. I haven’t even gotten to the worst part yet. The worst part was when I bought a box of cookies at the grocery store after my teeth cleaning and ate all of them on the way home.

At the time, I couldn’t explain why I was bingeing. I just knew that with every cookie I shoved into my face I felt better. Well, maybe not better. Less anxious, less overwhelmed, less out of control, but not better. That’s the really bizarre thing about bingeing, you feel less of the bad things you’re trying to get rid of, but you feel so much worse about yourself both during and afterwards. And, of course, that self-loathing just makes you want to binge more. It’s a vicious cycle.

I think I now understand why I felt the urge to binge to today a little bit better. I had to take care of my Dah today. I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but because I have issues with seeking approval I was definitely on edge all morning as I took him out for his appointments and errands. I also had to make small talk with an entirely new person who had her fingers in my mouth all afternoon. Small talk is hard enough, add in my orthodontia-related terror (totally legitimate, ask me about my dental history some time. There are six plates and over thirty screws in my face), and the plan for the rest of the day that was constantly running in the back of my head, and it’s no wonder I was a bit of a basket case when I left the office.

No one really notices or knows how bad my anxiety is. I think that has more to do with my being a good actor than my actually being in control of that issue. I know how to behave appropriately, how to look like a normal person, because I’ve spent so much time watching normal people interact. I watch, I learn, I put on the show, and no one has to know that I only get through the day with the knowledge that I can eat a jumbo bag of jelly beans alone in my room when I get home.

When things get really bad I implement headphone protocol – aka I have my iPod with headphones on every moment I’m not directly interacting with someone while in public. Sometimes I even leave them on, podcast, audiobook, or music playing, while in the checkout line, just so I barely have to interact with the people around me. I know, I’m awful, believe me I have a lot of guilt over this behavior. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to people, it’s that every interaction is a jarring, crushing, draining experience for me. I’d say I try not to do it, but some days, the protection of having my friends in my ears, keeping me safe and keeping the world out is all I have keeping me from diving head first into a family size bag of Doritos.

I’m trying to forgive myself for screwing up today. I didn’t actually hurt anyone but myself. I did disappoint people, but certainly not in an unforgivable way. But every time I fail I have to fight the urge to beat myself up, sometimes literally but mostly emotionally. I rarely manage to stop myself, and that leads to yet more bingeing.

Bingeing is how I cope. There are worse coping mechanisms, but I know that if I keep it up it will kill me. I also know that by talking about it, by not hiding the fact that I have issues with food, by being open with how I struggle, I can not only help myself but I might just help others too. So yes, I ate a box of cookies because I couldn’t handle my life today. And I hate myself for that. And I didn’t do anything right. But at least now I’ve written something.