Who the Hell am I?

This one might get a little rambly, so stick with me.

I have now been unemployed for 2 months. This is the longest I have ever gone without a job in my entire adult life. As I type this there is a good possibility that someone is looking at test results and deciding whether or not I have a job, but that’s a nerve-jangling aspect of my current existence that I can’t get into without taking my newly acquired anti-anxiety meds. Regardless, I’m hoping (thinking? wishing?) that very soon I will once again have gainful employment doing something I’m kind of excited about. More on that if and when it happens.

The point is that, while I’ve been furloughed I’ve had time. Some might say too much time (I would be one of those people), but as time is what I have in abundance I’ve been trying to make the best of it. You see, for a significant chunk of my life I haven’t not “known” myself. By that I mean I’ve allowed other people to heavily influence me to the point that I’m not entirely certain that I actually like the things I like or if I like the people who convinced me to like the things I like (or conversely hate the things I hate because people I like hate them).

Example – many years ago, after getting away from an extremely destructive and abusive friendship I came to the conclusion that I really do not like professional wrestling after all. That friend, who I allowed to slowly take over every aspect of my life, quite liked pro wrestling, and so I watched it as well. I took what little amusement I could from it, and while I understand why other people enjoy it, it is not for me. Feeling no guilt from missing one of the tri-weekly shows or a pay-per-view event was one of the first steps I took towards freeing myself from her influence and discovering who I was without her.

In that same vein, all this time on my hands has given me the unique opportunity to once again examine myself. To figure out who I am and what I like at 33. Now, one might say that discovering those things is the purpose of adolescence, and, while they would be correct, I think it’s important to check in with yourself periodically and make sure you’re still the person you think you are. The person I was at 15 or 18 is not the person I am at 33. Well, to be perfectly honest, I’m closer to the person I was between 15 and 18 than I am to the person I was at 25, but, once again, that’s another story. I’ve been trimming fat from my life (not literally…see: any photograph of me), getting rid of the things, activities, and even people who don’t work for me.

When I moved I said goodbye to about half of my earthly possessions (let’s be honest, it was mostly clothing). Once I was safely ensconced with my parents I decided I would no longer pretend that I enjoy watching golf for my father’s sake. I’ve also chosen to spend time with people who make me happy, doing things we mutually enjoy. While that last one might seem like a no-brainer, trust me, this has not been my strong suit in the past. Perhaps it would be clearer if I said that I was going to put my own interests and passions ahead of (or at least equal to) that of others in my life.

I’ve also been exploring things I haven’t attempted before as an adult. I’ve gone hiking. I’ve been applying for jobs that have nothing to do with my previous work experience but seem interesting. I’ve started listening to different music, trying different podcasts, reading different books. Oh, and I’ve been writing this blog weekly(ish). Not all of the things I’ve tried have been hits, but so far, I’m fairly happy with the results.

A few years ago, in a fit of desperation as my life felt like it was crumbling around me, I came to the conclusion that all I have to do is try. This might sound dumb, but for someone who is a perfectionist, I would rarely try anything where my success was uncertain. I don’t just do my best, I do *the* best. Yes, I realize I sound like a complete douche. That’s why I decided I could just try things. I didn’t have to succeed. I didn’t have to love everything I tried. All I had to do was try it once and see. As I was getting ready to make this transition I sort of forgot about trying and went back to my perfectionist obsession, but in the past 2 months I’ve tried to remember to “just try” again.

I’m not perfect (difficult as that is for me to admit). In preparation for this test I took today I obsessed over getting 100% on every section. I studied myself into a panic attack on Sunday night, bombed round one on Monday, and ended up having to re-take it today. I spent the last two days calmly and methodically going through each section and making sure I understood each piece. I got some support from my doctor and a good night’s rest. I retook the test this morning with a lot more confidence and the certainty that I did better than last time. I made a change. The way I reacted to the stress didn’t work for me so I tried something different. I got lucky and was successful in changing my behavior. I realize I might not be next time, but just by trying I made a difference for myself.

By questioning whether I really like something, whether my need to be perfect is a productive part of my life, or if the people in my life are the people I want in my life, evolving and becoming more certain. I’m just trying to figure out who I am and what I like.