A Bad Case of the Shoulds

Winter has returned with a vengeance. Like any good Vermonter, I was fully expecting this. Winter does not give up the ghost up here until April at the earliest. Well, with the exception of a few years where winter decided not to show up at all (thanks climate change), anyway. Those poor fools who thought the January/February thaw was going to stick…how I pity them.

The power has gone out twice thanks to the ridiculously heavy later season snow, but we’re lucky enough to have a generator. I’ve shoveled the deck a couple of times, walked upstreet for the few things we didn’t grab yesterday, and now I’m safely ensconced in the basement with a cat and a laptop and Queer Eye.

This sounds pretty idyllic to me. Who am I kidding? It *is* pretty idyllic to me. Any other time I would be thoroughly enjoying myself, but today I’ve got a serious case of the shoulds.

I start my new job on Monday, and I should be organizing for that. I should be getting my clothing organized and ready to go because I’m going to be getting up at the ass-crack of dawn (I have been so spoiled for years with my ability to sleep in…this is going to be a harsh dose of reality). I should be making a plan for my breakfast and lunches next week. I should be making sure all my bills are set up and ready to go because I won’t have time to do that once I’m commuting. I should be loading up my iPod with podcasts for my new three-hour round trip commute.

Or, conversely, I should be doing all the things I’ve put off while I’ve been on the job search. I should be reading. I should be working on my book. I should be querying publishers. I should be helping my parents clean out the basement. I should be bingeing a new show that I’ve put off for a rainy (or snowy) day because I want to spoil myself with it. I should be going for a hike. I should be playing with the dog.

I should. I should. I should.

Should is not a helpful word.

I’m doing what I’m doing because it’s what I’ve decided to do. That’s an important distinction. There was a time in my recent past where I was very passive in my existence. Mostly it was because I just didn’t have the energy to make decisions so I did the simplest possible things. I repeated the same routine over and over again until I could find the energy and strength to take on one of my many shoulds. It took a long time (and a lot of trips to the doctor), but I finally figured out what was going on with me, what was keeping me from being an active participant in my life, and since then I’ve been back in charge, making choices.

So even though I’m lazing the day away I’m not going to let the shoulds get in the way of my enjoyment. I know what it is to be unable to make a choice, and I’m not going to take those choices for granted. Even though I should be doing a lot of things I’m happy in my little basement bubble. No more shoulds today, only ams.